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About Me

advocate for those who have been wronged by assholes.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

How to tell Jeffy Poo likes you-if you are a guy.

He remembers little things you mention in casual conversation. It may take you by surprise. You might have been talking when he was around and two weeks later he'll say, "Well, you like orange jizz..."

His voice changes when he talks to you in a group. He may say "Hey." to everyone with you, but the "Hey." to you is a little different.

His voice gets softer when the two of you talk.

Sometimes he stares straight into your eyes.

His eyes get 'soft' when he looks at you. They change slightly or get relaxed around the edges. It's subtle, but you can tell if you watch...

When he's near you or talking with you, his eyes travel in a little circle around your face and land back on your eyes. (Like he's looking at your whole face - then back to your eyes.)

He watches your lips. (Dead give away.)

His friends start asking you questions - if you haven't met him yet - they may ask what your name is. Or may ask you what you think about 'him.'

If his friends are paying attention to you after he's been staring at you - it can mean that he's been talking about you.

He tells you that you smell nice... (No hidden meaning here - it's a good thing.)

He might act weird around you or seem very nervous. His behavior may just plain change when you're around.

If he's normally quiet, he may get louder, or vice versa. It's the difference in behavior that's the clue.

Friday, October 26, 2007

West Virginia Retirement

JJ had raced all his adult but after 30 years he decided to retire to
the West Virginia back country to get away from all the stress.

He gets himself a small place along a secluded river bottom, as far from
humanity as practically possible.

He sees the postman once a week, gets his groceries once a month, and
occasionally sees a passing tourist.

Otherwise it's all total peace and quiet, except an occasional pestering
from a squirrel or a house fly.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his

He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

''Name's Jeffy Poo, your neighbor from four miles up the river road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00.'

Great', says JJ, 'After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
Thank you.'

As Jeffy Poo is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'.'

Not a problem,' says JJ, all my friends from the tracks drank.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.

'More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.'

Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there.
Thanks again.'

More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

Now that's really not a problem,' says JJ, warming to the idea. I've
been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.

By the way, what should I wear?'

Neighbor Jeffy Poo replies, 'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Hey Jeffy you're an asshole

 Well I was drivin' down I-95 the other night.
Somebody nearly cut me right off the road.
I decided it wasn't gonna do any good to get mad.
So I wrote a song about him instead.
It goes like this...

Were you born an asshole?
Or did you work at it your whole life?
Either way it worked out fine
'cause you're an asshole tonight.

Yes you're an A S S H O L E...
And don't you try to blame it on me.
You deserve all the credit.
You're an asshole tonight.

You were an asshole yesterday.
You're an asshole tonight.
And I've got a feelin'
you'll be an asshole the rest of your life.

And I was talkin' to your mother
just the other night.
I told her I thought you were an asshole.
She said, "Yes. I think you're right."

And all your friends are assholes
'cause you've known them your whole life.
And somebody told me
you've got an asshole for a wife.

Were you born an asshole?
Or did you work at it your whole life?
Either way it worked out fine
'cause you're an aaaass...hole tonight.


Try singing it to JJ

I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream
About me
About you
About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottoms of our chests
About that special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts
Or maybe below the cockles
Maybe in the sub-cockle area
Maybe in the liver
Maybe in the kidneys
Maybe even in the colon
We don't know

I'm just a regular joe
With a regular job
I'm your average white
Suburbanite slob
I like football, and porno, and books about war
I've got an average house
With a nice hardwood floor
My wife, and my job
My kids, and my car
My feet on my table
And a Cuban cigar
But sometimes that just ain't enough
To keep a man like me interested
Oh no, no way, uh uhh
No, I gotta go out and have fun
At someone else's expense
Oh yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah

I drive really slow
In the ultra-fast lane
While people behind me are going insane

I'm an asshole
(he's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(he's an asshole, such an asshole)

I use public toilets
And I piss on the seat
I walk around in the summer time sayin', "How about this heat?"

I'm an asshole
(he's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(he's the worlds biggest asshole)

Sometimes I park in the handicapped spaces
While handicapped people
Make handicapped faces

I'm an asshole
(he's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(he's a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldn't be singin' this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong...

[I'm An Asshole lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

I'm an asshole
(he's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(he's the world's biggest asshole)

You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadilac El Dorado Convertable
Hot pink!
With whale skin hub caps
An all leather cow interior
And big brown baby seal eyes for headlights
And I'm gonna drive around in that baby
At 115 miles per hour
Getting one mile per gallon
Sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonalds in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable Styrofoam containers
And when I'm done sucking down those grease-ball burgers
I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag
And then I'm gonna toss the Styrofoam containers right out the side
And there ain't a Goddamn thing anybody can do about it
You know why?
'Cause we got the bombs, that's why!
Two words: Nuclear Fuckin' Weapons
Russia, Germany, Romania
They can have all the Democracy they want
They can have a big Democracy cake walk
Right through the middle of Tienemen Square
And it won't make a lick of difference
Because we got the bombs
John Wayne's not dead
He's frozen!
And as soon as we find a cure for cancer We're gonna thaw out "The Duke"
And he's gonna be pretty pissed off
You know why?
Have you ever taken a cold shower?
Well, multiply that by 15 million times
That's how pissed off "The Duke"'s gonna be
I'm gonna get "The Duke"
And John Cassavetes
And Lee Marvin
And Sam Peckinpah
And a case of whiskey
And drive down to Texas
(Hey, Hey! You know you really are an asshole)
Why don't you just shut-up and sing the song, pal?
You know, the whole time I thought I was that asshole
And it turns out it was him
What an asshole!

I'm an asshole
(he's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(he's the worlds biggest asshole)

A - SS - HO - LE!
A - SS - HO - LE!

*dog barking noises*

I'm an asshole and proud of it!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Things heard in the 24-48 garages

1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!"

2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!"

3. "How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"

4. "This day sure was a total waste of make-up"

5. "Well, aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"

6. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."

7. "Do I look like a fucking people person!"

8. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"

9. "I started out with nothing still have most of it left"

10. "I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"

11. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"

12. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

13. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

14. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."

15. "I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"

16. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

17. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"

18. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."

19. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"

20. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

21. "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

Ten Signs that You Might be Gay Jeffy Poo

10 - There's a dick up your ass.

9 - You blow every paycheck on gerbils.

8 - You get offended by the word "Fruit Loops."

7 - Your fantasies include prison showers and dropped soap.

6 - When you and your friends go out together someone always
    says, "Hey look, it's The Village People!!"

5 - When you go to a gay bar someone always asks, "Push in your

4 - Your friends want to kill Richard Simmons, you'd rather spank

3 - You know over 10 people named Bruce.

2 - There's always a "queer" taste in your mouth.

And the number one sign that you might be gay

1 - You wake up each morning and scratch someone else's balls.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Must be their wives are blonde

sure sounds like whiney hiney.
Q.  What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?

A.  When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two
weeks whining.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Jeffy Poo and Jimmy J are

the names of my two hemorrhoids from this day. The toilet paper can't work on them like the Tucks pads do.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Hey Jeffy you can relate to this

There were two gay guys living together. One of them lacked chesthair and it seemed to become a real problem for him.So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had nochest hair and if there was anything he could do about it.Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy, andreally the only thing he could do to try and stimulate hairgrowth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily.The guy was elated. He went home and immediately smothered hischest in Vaseline.When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him, he feltthe Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?""The doctor said if I put Vaseline on my chest I might be able togrow some hair""You idiot," said his partner, "Think about it. If that were trueyou'd have a pony tail coming out of your ass by now"

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Jeffy at the pub

There was this lady who was sexually frustrated and had tried to get her
husband sexually stimulated but nothing seemed to work. She tried sexy
lingerie, toys etc etc but had no luck. So one day she asked her friend
what she should do... "It's really annoying me now! He's just not up for
it. He's always out down the pub with the lads. What can I do?"

Her friend suggested, "Well, if he's always out with the lads why don't
you give him an extra tenner so he enjoys himself even more and then
he'll come home and thank you appropriately..."

So the woman tried this and this is what happened on his return:

Man: Take Your clothes off!

Woman thinks: Whoa! This is working!

Man: Stand on your head!

Woman: Ooohh...! Kinky!!!

Man: Spread your legs apart!

Woman thinks: This has really worked - give it to me!

The man then gets a small mirror and places it in between her legs.

Woman thinks: This is a new one...

Man says: You know... the lads were right, I would look good with a

Keep an eye on Jeffy Poo

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It

means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the

rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog,but

gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a

delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And

just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your

ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come

to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such

nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on

bar-B-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet,

or tits. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking

lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his

bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will

never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte". If you've put a Decaf Soy

Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four different

types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing

out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to

remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what

a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other

than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to

tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a

slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that

hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Jeffy Poo found his helmet

i gotta have the squeeze wear this at the track to show she supports me.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Do you need some tropical fruit?

Have Jeffy Poo and JJ put on some Hawaiian shirts.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Prototype named.

I doubt if there will be any infringement problems. After the iPod he will name it the iSuck after himself.

Jeffy Poo starts making vacuum cleaners

He thought since he sucks why not build vacuum cleaners. The prototype model works fine. His crew cheif is missing.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

How many times does 24 go into 48?

I dont know, but i guess until the misses heals up.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

I want this for Father's Day.

Jeffy and Jimmy to be fighting for last place. Give them a good cleaning. I find Charmin works well.

Since Jeffy is

going to be a father his wife got him a present. It's a talking GPS that says "turn right in turn one".

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Jr. moves on

Those beer bottles work great. Now you're not number one jeffy.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Jeffy Poo wears a new tattoo

maybe he should get 'gay' on his forehead.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Oh here come the whiney brothers

Poor finish drops Gordon from second to sixth in Chase

KANSAS CITY, Kan. - Jeff Gordon entered Kansas Speedway second in the standings, just six points off the leader's pace. He left an additional four spots and 114 points away from the title.

Saddled with fuel pump problems, Gordon finished 39th at Kansas Sunday, dropping to sixth in the standings, 120 points off leader Jeff Burton's pace in NASCAR's Chase For The Nextel Cup.

After a pair of third-place finishes in the opening Chase races, the Hendrick Motorsports driver had high expectations entering the race weekend. Now, he says, "We're in the same boat as the rest of those guys back there."

Still, the four-time champion understands his team is far from out of contention. That didn't lessen his frustration Sunday afternoon, though, as he found himself joining teammates Kyle Busch and Jimmie Johnson in the bottom half of the Chase.

"It is very disappointing," he said. "We know what those other guys feel like at Hendrick Motorsports. We are just going to have to fight really hard. We put [up] a great fight today."

Crew chief Steve Letarte said the engine department would find out what the problem was on Monday, and that the team would move on from there.

"You're not going to tell me I'm out until I'm mathematically out," he said.


Johnson says team just needs some luck

KANSAS CITY, Kan. - Jimmie Johnson did everything he could to move up in the NASCAR Nextel Cup standings Sunday, but in the end, a pit road penalty cost him all the ground he'd gained.

Johnson led a race-high 105 laps in the Banquet 400, but he pitted late for fuel - a conservative move the Hendrick Motorsports team made because it is in championship contention - and was assessed a penalty NASCAR officials for speeding on pit road. That dropped him to a 14th-place finish and kept him eighth in the Chase For The Nextel Cup. Johnson is now 165 points behind leader Jeff Burton with seven races remaining in the title-determining segment of the season.

Johnson's problems started when Kasey Kahne spun in front of him as the two were entering pit road. He went back on the race track expecting a caution that didn't come and then returned to pit. At that point he was assessed the pass-through penalty, meaning he had to return to pit road and drive down it at pit-road speed before returning to the race once more.

"I definitely don't feel I was speeding on pit road, but the computer doesn't lie, so we'll just have to see what happens," Johnson said.

Johnson seemed somewhat frustrated by his lack of performance in the Chase. He's finished 13th, 39th and now 14th in the title-determining races.

"We've had the speed the last few weeks," he said. "I know our finishes haven't shown it. We just need some luck to come our way."







Sunday, October 01, 2006

Cheating can't be found this way

Now they're working on cheating at the DNA level.

Everyone congratulate the fuel pump maker

For quitting at the right moment. 39th is great finishing place for Jeffy Poo. He had called in earlier that he had a vibration but it was his vibrator stuck on high.

Hey wanna see the other Gordon I hate

This guys on the track getting in the way or screwing up the show. The one the only Robbie Gordon. Another Steve Park. Get him off the track.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Since I had to put up with some T/R asshole today

Yeah another asshole Jeffy Poo fan that has no sense of humor when Jeffy Poo gets booed during introductions like he deserves.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

RCR builds new facility.....

out of matchsticks. Hope they put the 24 team facilities there.

The Turd Is Third.

1. (19) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, 400

2. (6) Carl Edwards, Ford, 400

3. (1) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, 400

That puts him 6 points out of first behind Burton but Kenseth and Hamlin are within striking distance.

1. Jeff Burton, 5351

2. Jeff Gordon, 5345

3. Matt Kenseth, 5333

4. Denny Hamlin, 5333

5. Kevin Harvick, 5297

6. Mark Martin, 5276

7. Dale Earnhardt Jr., 5249

8. Jimmie Johnson, 5215

9. Kasey Kahne, 5169

10. Kyle Busch, 5127

The Manatee is a gentle creature until.....

they found Jeffy Poo swimming near them.

Jeffy Poo and Jimmy Joke...

get ready to go on vacation.